Dating and Relationships Dating and Relationship Stories and Articles

Many factors that affect our lives are beyond our control: for example, the weather and our height.

The health of a couple’s relationship, however, is within their control. Researchers Pat Love and Steven Stosny explain, “deep emotional connection is a personal choice” you and your spouse can make, beginning now.

Part of the choice involves adopting a four-step process Love and Stosny call “The Power Love Formula.” The formula is designed to strengthen your sense of commitment and connection as a couple.

1.

“Fix your spouse firmly in your heart during four crucial times of the day.” This means developing a routine that includes a heartfelt gesture that shows your spouse is “the most important person in your life.” It could be a brief touch or making eye contact and saying, “I’m so lucky you married me.”

This heartfelt gesture is to be done at “four critical times of the day,” which Love and Stosny list as: when you first wake up; before you leave home; when you return home; and, before you go to sleep.

The authors explain “emotions lead one into another in a more or less continuous flow.” just as one negative feeling makes another negative more likely, having a positive thought makes it “more likely that your next one will also be positive.”

Choosing to make a loving gesture, which connects you to your spouse when you first wake up, improves the chances that the feelings that follow will also be positive.

Likewise, a loving gesture before you leave for the day “sets the tone” for when you’re apart. and, acknowledging your spouse’s importance when you come together again also sets the tone for your time together in the evening. Finally, expressing your affection before sleep makes sleep easier and sets the tone for the next morning.

2.

Adopt the 6/6 Hug Rule. This means “a full-body embrace” at least six times a day, for at least six seconds each.

Hugs are usually early victims to marital discord: when resentment starts, hugs end. The authors warn that, “over time, failure to embrace becomes a formula for disaster.” Touch, especially hugs, help reduce cortisol, the stress hormone, and increase serotonin, which has a calming effect.

Adopting the 6/6 Hug Rule decreases the chances that resentment will get a foothold in your relationship.

3.

“Hold positive thoughts about your marriage.” Pick at least one time every day to spend 10 seconds thinking positive thoughts about your spouse. Think of several positive attributes about your spouse, such as: his or her smile, the sound of his or her voice, ability to do something, honesty, or compassion or commitment.

4. make a contract to love your spouse generously. Love and Stosny recommend this be in writing “like a legal contract,” to emphasize the importance of both your spouse and your marriage.

Start by writing: “This is how I will show my love for you every day.” Then briefly describe something you can do every day to show your love. The authors say this may include speaking in a kind voice, making coffee in the morning, explaining how your spouse makes your life better or how important he or she is in your life.

Implementing The Power Love Formula takes less than five minutes a day.

And that’s a good choice for how you spend five minutes a day.